50 for 50: 2020

YEAR: 2020

AGE: Turned 50 ... today!

LOCATION: SLC, Ramona Avenue

CUBS' RECORD: 34-26

SONGS I LIKED: "Somedays (I Don't Feel Like Trying)" by the Raconteurs; "Letter to You" by Bruce Springsteen

TV SHOWS I WATCHED: "Schitt's Creek"; "Brockmire"

MOVIES I SAW (STREAMING ONLY): "Onward"; "Palm Springs"

I'm starting my 2020 post with an event from 2009. That November, Michael was in kindergarten, Ben was in 3-year-old preschool, and I was writing a book.

National Novel Writing Month is a project that encourages and inspires would-be writers to pen 50,000 words of a book during November. The idea behind NaNoWriMo is that all those people who want to write a book but never seem to get around to it just need some structured support, tools, advice, and constant reminders to get to work.

I was one of these people. Working at a newspaper, my days and weeks were filled with writing or fixing other people's writing. Often, the energy wasn't there -- I'd get a good idea, start it, then fizzle out. Sure, there were bursts of creativity over the years, but never enough for an entire book.

I planned what I would write before Nov. 1, then took off at a feverish pace. The pace slowed down eventually, but at about 10:30 p.m., I hit 50,000 words -- and actually concluded the book instead of just stopping at 50,000 (NaNoWriMo challenges people to at least reach 50,000, because that alone is an accomplishment, even if you don't finish the book in November). 

The book wasn't great, but again, that's not the point. I actually wrote a book. After misfires and discouragement, I finally achieved a dream. I wrote a book!

I was full of optimism after that. After slowing down my journalism career, I was ready for my writing career. I knew that I would still edit and write for newspapers and clients to make money, but I would also create things that I wanted to create. This blog was part of that, as was that first book. My 40s would be creatively what I wished my 20s were.

November 2010 rolled around, and I wanted to NaNoWriMo again ... but I was woefully unprepared. Life was far busier that month than expected. I managed just 2,400 words.

The next year, November also surprised me, but I was determined to try to recapture the magic. The month went too quickly (I didn't blog, which would suggest I was devoting my time to the novel, but no ...), and although I was happy with the 14,000 words I wrote, it was just 14,000 words.

In 2012, I had a good idea, an outlined story, and a mission. I also picked up so much available freelance work and newspaper shifts -- which I really couldn't turn down at the time -- that I never got the ball rolling on the book. I made it to 15,000 words. Mission failed.

Early in the 2010s, I, always being enamored by the past, thought about launching a blog dedicated to the nostalgia of Generation X. I could write about memorable music, toys, games, television, movies, pop culture, and so on -- things my generation consumed before the internet made everything seem not so long ago. Off and on, I'd write little essays on underrated songs of the 1980s or the existential nature of "Schoolhouse Rock." But I never got far, and the blog didn't launch. I couldn't even come up with a good name -- try coming up with a GenX web domain that isn't going to be read as something with an X in it. 

My next inspiration was Flip Turns and Free Throws -- a blog dedicated to and written for parents of comp sports athletes. We get a bad rap (occasionally deserved) about being overbearing sports parents, but there are some real issues we face, as well as issues kids face in the pay-for-play environment youth sports has become. I'm proud I started the blog, dismayed that I've only written a handful of posts -- good posts, but not many -- for it. I get a rush of inspiration and write something, and many great ideas reside on a digital Post-It on my Mac, but I haven't turned it into the resource I wanted it to be.

In 2018, I was psyched for NaNoWriMo. I had been building a great story that pulled in nostalgia and self-reflection and fun -- kind of a novelized version of my own blog. November thwarted me again. The book is still in progress, and I love the 16,000 words I've written, but I'm not close to finishing, even though I know everything about what I will write to complete it.

Although I've written semi-consistently for The 43 over the past decade -- and liked a fair amount of the posts I've created -- there have been gaps when I don't write for a while. I wonder, what is the problem? I can point to my day job (even when it wasn't technically a "day" job) as consuming most of my creative energy, leaving little for additional writing unless I'm feeling energetic and truly inspired. I could blame it on being a busy parent, or not getting enough sleep, or getting too distracted in the evening or too lazy on weekends. Or perhaps, the prospect of anything beyond a small blog post is too intimidating in the long term.

Maybe it's a combination of all these things. Writers deal with these forces all the time, and they must figure out how to overcome them or not be productive. During the last decade, I wasn't totally unproductive, but I didn't figure it out more often than I did.

The reason I'm bringing up these past failures (and there were some great ideas before 2009 that never came to fruition, too) in 2020 is because over the past 50 days, I've accomplished something I never thought I would -- 50 blog posts, many of which were more than a thousand words (my apologies to the TL; DR crowd!), consistently written, with no excuses other than a really tiring day and taking a child to the ER. I didn't attempt NaNoWriMo this year, but I kind of already achieved it. I ran with this idea, and it became a priority, every day or evening. 

The other reason I'm writing about the missteps: I'm now 50. As much as I'd love to make it to 100, there's really not as much time for dicking around on any dreams I still hold. Many dreams came true -- a wonderful family, a stable career, a nice life that isn't wearing me down. The writing dream isn't to achieve fame and fortune, which would be nice, of course, but not what drives me. I don't want the creativity and the passion to dwindle. I don't want the ideas to be stuck as ideas. I don't want to look back and think, "You blew it; you gave up; you settled."

I wrote 49 posts in the 50 for 50, and surprisingly, what those 49 posts have become my best non-family moment for 2020. Granted, the bar was set pretty low during this soul-crushing year (for everyone), but I cannot be happier with what I achieved over the past seven weeks. That may sound boastful, but it's more ... reassuring. I can figure this writing focus out. I can make it a priority, maybe even if there's not an overarching goal like this 50 for 50 has been. I can sit at my computer tomorrow night and be inspired to knock out a thousand words on something -- anything -- as long as it's not the alternative, which is nothing.

I also think I need to focus a bit more on ideas rather than nostalgia, the present rather than the past. I love writing about memories and nostalgia, and I'm not planning on stopping. However, I need to swing my efforts more toward the sports parenting blog, the book, and what I'm thinking and feeling day to day. 

The possibilities are endless. I just need to sit down and write, the same I way I have for 50 days as I neared my 50th birthday.

And here's one more worthy goal on several levels -- I plan to write a 100 for 100 in 2070.

Thank you for reading my blog, and please keep doing so. I'll try not to disappoint.