I'm older now but still running against the wind

In March 2015, Ben and I saw Bob Seger in concert. Less than a week had passed after my grandmother died, and the show was on a Friday night when my sister Megan was visiting, and then my dad and stepmom were in town. Michael's club basketball team won its league the next day. I was about two months into my new job after freelancing for the company for two years beforehand.

"Against the Wind" is my favorite Bob Seger song, going way back to when I was a kid. That month, I wrote about how it resonated with me. It came up on a playlist tonight, and that lyric that I made the title of this post really slammed into my brain. 

Today wasn't great. I won't get into details, but I smacked up into the tug-of-war of everything I've achieved and every goal that I haven't come close to accomplishing. I was reminded of the years rolling past as well as all that is great with my life. I struggle with the conflict among what's been earned, what's deserved, and what I want and don't want -- even when what I want and don't want are sometimes the same. I realized again that after three decades, there's a little bit of an endgame career strategy that's not as far away as it once seemed.

There's discouragement and confusion and annoyance and fatigue. There's a sense that maybe I should cruise instead of throttle sometimes, while other times I'm not throttling enough. But, there's also much satisfaction, pride, achievement, and excellence. 

I know I just poured out the cryptic metaphors a little thick, but maybe the bottom line is, how do you measure success against failure and vice versa? I've enjoyed so much success over the past 30 years, and I've experienced failure. Unfortunately, the failure can overshadow the success. I was a sports journalist for 23 years, but I never reached the peak I envisioned when I was fresh out of college. Outside of my professional career, I've managed to occasionally write and hit a few apexes, but I can't shake all the grand ideas that I never completed -- or even started.

Today, I couldn't tell the difference between success and failure. I'm guessing that fog will pass in a few days, but for tonight, I needed to write it out.

Back in 2015, I struggled with the new job. My role eventually changed, and the sailing has been mostly smooth since. But in some ways, I didn't change. What I think I need sometimes conflicts with what I think I want. The two sides struggle to reach the middle ground -- and it's been like that seemingly since I can remember.

And that's why "Against the Wind" floored me tonight. The struggle is always there, and even at 50, you have to lower your head, dig deep, and run through it.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Summer, Day 8

Today was Memorial Day, and as far as Memorial Days go, this one seemed somewhat anticlimactic. The sun came out after three less-than-stellar days, perhaps preventing the weekend from being a total bust. I worked late last night but was awake earlier than I wanted to be this morning. I fell back asleep and woke up around 10:30 to a thumping sound outside. Michael, Lori and my father-in-law got the rest of the sand in the base of the new basketball hoop, and Michael and his friend from across the street were shooting around. This was Lori's parents' last day in Utah, so we treated them to The Cheesecake Factory at the new City Creek mall downtown. I had the macaroni and cheese burger and most of a piece of Oreo cheesecake (no matter how much I pushed on my sons -- they wanted to share Lori's banana cream cheesecake). The boys and I wandered City Creek a little and came home. The afternoon wasn't much more eventful. Michael and I took Popcorn to the park for about
Read more

Vacation finale

Image
As expected, the last three days of vacation were much less eventful than the first 12. This happens every year -- we get back from Wisconsin for at least one day before leaving for Utah, and it's just wind-down time. And that's OK -- going nonstop for two weeks isn't easy, especially with kids. And vacation is supposed to be a time to relax, and for the past three days, that's what we did. The past few days weren't that relaxing, however. Monday, we met my mom, who is in Chicago this week, for lunch and then to Old Orchard Mall. That night, we met some friends at the new Superdawg (my favorite Chicago hot dog restaurant) in Wheeling. Tuesday, after pondering going downtown, we ended up just seeing the Smurfs movie with my dad. Last night, we went to dinner at a nice little Italian restaurant here in Edgebrook. Wednesday was mostly devoted to getting ready for our return trip Thursday morning. The heat and thunderstorms finally subsided -- this might have been the m
Read more

Nine days after the solstice

Image
The summer solstice was nine days ago, but I'm only now getting around to writing my annual reflection that is supposed to be created on the first day of summer. Nine days ago, I was frenetically trying to finish up work and get ready for a road trip to Denver, where Benji was competing in a swim meet. We got back Monday afternoon, but I was too exhausted to come up to my usual spot in Donner Park. The last three nights were overcast (though the skies cleared a little too late to embark on my quest last night), spoiling the goal of watching the sunset. So, nine days later, I'm finally here. And now that I am, I'm not totally sure what to write about. To say the last year has been a blur would be cliche, and I don't think it's gone faster than any other past year. But I've been struggling to wrap my head around the current summer and, thus, what's really on my mind. I could write about how we're a year away of having two kids in college and being sort of
Read more