Sunday, June 28, 2015

Summer 2015: days 30-36

So hot this past week, and it somewhat has coincided with my overall attitude.

The week was busy. Michael had a basketball tournament (alas, his team went 0-4) and practice every day. Swim team just about every day, including a meet on Tuesday. I pushed my way through work each day, not getting too much free time for myself. The weekend has been an improvement -- I got a lot of yardwork done yesterday -- and the upcoming week won't be so hectic. I did manage to write my usual solstice post, albeit a few days late. What I read after I completed the post got me in this restless attitude.

So I'm on the hillside, having hit the "publish" button on the annual reflection, when I started reading past years' posts. I discovered a common theme: I'm close to writing the things I want to write; I'm on the verge of something big; I'm really optimistic for the next year. This stretches back years. I walked back to my car thinking "What the f--- is wrong with me!" All that optimism, all those plans, and little to show. I'm 44 now, and I'm starting to get the sinking feeling that I'm running out of time to fulfill the writing goals and dreams I've had for a couple decades now. Sure, I had some minor victories along the way, but they aren't any sort of solace.

I did start up the second blog -- at least I got paid for the hosting and chose a theme. Just need to add some design to it and start writing. And that's good, but it hasn't calmed the restlessness I felt as I drove home Wednesday evening. The heat is just smothering any ambition I hoped to feel. Again, simply getting the second blog hosted was a minor victory, but at what point do I feel completely victorious? Maybe never, but even just a little victorious?

I'm hoping that evening's revelation is the kick in the pants I needed. With temps forecast in at least the high 90s for the next 10 days, I don't see an opportunity to cool off from this quasi-rage. Let's see what tomorrow brings ...

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